An Egg Man.
In western capitalist culture, the egg is sacred, with strong ties to Christian religions, particularly Pentecostalism. Legend says that while dying on the cross, Jesus laid an egg. Three days later the egg hatched, and Christ was born again as a giant pink bunny rabbit. Bunny Jesus hopped around Jerusalem, speaking in tongues, pooping his colorful eggs, and hiding them for the faithful to find. When Jesus’s followers found the eggs, they discovered that some of them were hard boiled, some of them were chocolate, and some of them were filled with prizes. This is why we celebrate Easter. Follow this handy guide, and you too can learn the miracle of how to boil an egg!
Easter Bunny Jesus, the OG fursona.Materials Required
PotEgg
Water
Heat Source
The But-4
If you live alone you have no one to blame but yourself.
2.) Now that you have found the pot, you need to find water. Hopefully your sink isn’t still full of dishes. Oh, it is? Stop procrastinating and DO THE DISHES.
You’re going to have to do those dishes sometime, buckaroo.
3.) Do the dishes. Seriously. Nobody else is going to do the dishes. You can’t move on to the next step until you do the dishes. DO THE DISHES.
This guy gets it.
Step-By-Step Instructions
1.) Find the pot. It’s probably in the sink along with all the other dirty dishes. Somebody needs to do the dishes. Be sure to cuss out whichever housemate made this mess. Tell them it’s getting old being the only one who does the cleaning around here.
If you live alone you have no one to blame but yourself.
2.) Now that you have found the pot, you need to find water. Hopefully your sink isn’t still full of dishes. Oh, it is? Stop procrastinating and DO THE DISHES.
You’re going to have to do those dishes sometime, buckaroo.
3.) Do the dishes. Seriously. Nobody else is going to do the dishes. You can’t move on to the next step until you do the dishes. DO THE DISHES.
This guy gets it.
4.) Now that the dishes are clean, we can fill the pot with water. Uh oh, it looks like the pot is dirty too. Now you need to wash the pot.
That is one dirty pot.
That is one dirty pot.
5.) Okay, the sink is empty, the dishes are dry, the pot is clean, now we can fill the pot with water. Fill the pot with water. Hopefully you aren’t having any plumbing problems and have clean running water. If you don’t, you’ve got problems.
“Water? Like out the toilet?”
6.) Place the pot full of water on the heat source. Ideally the heat source will be a gas or electric range, or even a hot plate. Set the temperature to high. If you don’t have one of these as a heat source, you’re going to have to get creative.
If you haven’t cooked on a radiator you haven’t lived.
7.) Wait for the water to boil. This might take a while. Now would be a good time to contemplate your own existence. Have you lived a worthwhile life? Do you have regrets? Feel free to obsess over these questions as you gaze into the water, watching it slowly begin to bubble.
He could probably stand to gaze a little closer.
8.) As the water begins to bubble more rapidly, it is now coming to a boil. Go grab an egg out of the fridge. All you find is an empty egg carton. What kind of nincompoop eats all the eggs and then puts the empty carton back in the fridge?! If you live alone, that nincompoop was you.
Wha happen?
“Water? Like out the toilet?”
6.) Place the pot full of water on the heat source. Ideally the heat source will be a gas or electric range, or even a hot plate. Set the temperature to high. If you don’t have one of these as a heat source, you’re going to have to get creative.
If you haven’t cooked on a radiator you haven’t lived.
7.) Wait for the water to boil. This might take a while. Now would be a good time to contemplate your own existence. Have you lived a worthwhile life? Do you have regrets? Feel free to obsess over these questions as you gaze into the water, watching it slowly begin to bubble.
He could probably stand to gaze a little closer.
8.) As the water begins to bubble more rapidly, it is now coming to a boil. Go grab an egg out of the fridge. All you find is an empty egg carton. What kind of nincompoop eats all the eggs and then puts the empty carton back in the fridge?! If you live alone, that nincompoop was you.
Wha happen?
9.) Go find an egg. Maybe your neighbor has a chicken coop. Maybe your neighbor will give you an egg. If your neighbor will not give you an egg, you might have to get dressed and go to the store. If the store is closed, maybe you can climb a tree to find a bird’s nest or reach your arm into a mystery hole in the ground. What’s important here is that you need to find an egg, and you need to find it quick. The water is boiling, hurry!
High risk, high reward.
High risk, high reward.
10.) You found an egg? Good job. Don’t tell me where you found it; I’d prefer not to know. Just drop it in the boiling water. Now that the egg is boiling, we’ve got 10 minutes to kill. You might want to set a timer.
This post has been brought to you by the Lux Minute Minder.
This post has been brought to you by the Lux Minute Minder.
11.) Have an existential crisis. Do you know how short your life is on the geologic time scale? Have you considered how tiny our planet is in the solar system? Do you ever think about how each star in the sky is another sun, so far away that its light may have burned out by the time we can see it? Is there intelligent life on other worlds? Do they even know we exist? Is there a god? Are we just lines of code in a simulation? What’s our purpose? What’s the point?
Just another typical Tuesday.
Just another typical Tuesday.
12.) Oh look, the timer is going off. Your egg is ready. Get it out of the pot. Use a spoon so you don’t burn yourself. Set your egg in a bowl of cool water for a couple minutes to stabilize the temperature. Remove the shell before eating. Seriously, don’t eat the shell. It’s gross. Enjoy your egg.
I told you he was an egg man.
Danny Devito as “Frank Reynolds”. “Can I offer you an egg in this tryin’ time?”. It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia (2011).
I told you he was an egg man.
For Further Reference
HowToBasic. “How to Boil an Egg”. YouTube (2015).Danny Devito as “Frank Reynolds”. “Can I offer you an egg in this tryin’ time?”. It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia (2011).
Wow
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